Once upon a midnight cheery, while I waited weak and weary,
As I waited by the fireplace as I’d done on Christmases before.
While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As a reindeer gently rapping, rapping atop the highest floor.
I whispered quietly: “It’s him!”
Or perhaps I screamed it like a wild boar. Time to get my gifts galore.
Ah, distinctly I remember, ‘twas the 24th of December,
And I had just sent several letters saying I’d been good the year before.
Eagerly I’d wished the morrow, no more would I have to sorrow,
For I had wished the perfect gift that no one else had wished before.
Toys R’ Us had many choices, I could surely not ignore.
So, I requested the entire store.
Filled with wonderful elation, waiting with anticipation,
By the fireplace until I heard a knock upon the door.
[Knock, knock, knock]
That was odd I thought, confused. Why would Santa use the door?
Right, I recalled. This thing (fireplace) is fake, and simply set up for décor.
In fact, it plugs into the floor.
Perhaps if I’d been slightly stronger, I’d have waited slightly longer,
But I wanted my gifts right now! So, I ran to reach the door.
Once I had stepped foot inside, then I would offer him a bribe,
And stand and watch as he supplied the many gifts I’d humbly asked before.
Here I opened wide the door.
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my…
[scream] (Santa is standing inside by the tree)
I said, as I lay prostrate on the floor.
“Couldn’t you have just waited outside by the front door?”
“No matter”, said I.
“I won’t keep you long, just leave the gifts and hum a song,
For I know you have a very long and busy night in store.”
(Santa pulls out a single, unmodern gift and says…)
“Less is more.”
“Ummm,” I said. “I disagree.”
Trying not to let him see, that what I wanted most for me,
Wasn’t toys from the first world war.
I did not want one toy, thought I,
I wanted the entire store!
I argued back- “More…is more.”
Then the Santa condescending, his lame and pithy gift rescinding,
Took whate’er that stupid thing was, and dropped some coal onto the floor.
(Santa) “You’re no longer on the nice list, and this present you will soon miss,
Because coal…is stupid!”
Not only had he crushed my dreams, he ruined the whole rhyming scheme!
And his cold, judgmental gleam, did cause a rage ne’er known before.
Time to even up the score.
“You will give me what I’ve asked for, all the toys in the toy store,
Or you will spend this Christmas Eve, bound and tethered on my floor!”
Then back towards the entrance turning, all my soul within me burning,
My adrenaline was churning as I dead-bolted the door.
Sadly it had come to this. [gun cocks]
Getting gifts was such a chore.
“Empty the bag onto the floor!”
“How dare you dare to threaten me, for I am Santa and you’ll see,
I can’t be pressed to giving better gifts when you want more.
You little children need to learn, that true respect is something earned.”
“Quiet, wretch! It’s now my turn.”
I fired my Red Rider (BB gun) into the floor [gunshot] and overhead [gunshot]
So I’d seem hardcore.
Quoth the reindeer: [Sound of dying reindeer] Which is reindeer for
‘Ow, you shot me.’
Blitzen would be flying: Nevermore.
The fearful fat man then complied, emptying contents as he cried.
Now old St. Nick was not as smug as he appeared to be before.
But then I saw to my chagrin, the bag had little else therein,
And I cried- “What fiendish sin! The toys; why are there not more?”
(Santa) “The North Pole, sadly, all has melted, and my toy shop sank offshore.
We should have listened to Al Gore.”
I am no big fan of Al Gore or of the global warming alarmists out there. But I do like a good poem now and then; and, I must give proper credit to the funny writers and actors over at the Studio C television show for this hilarious skit.
With regard to all of us improving our universe of writing, I offer a holiday thought: 'Reinventing the wheel' is not a prerequisite for becoming a successful author. As I've demonstrated, the fine folks at Studio C simply took a familiar and popular holiday story and merged it with another equally familiar and popular poem and... Ta da!
The point is, as we search for ideas and themes to write upon, we might take a step back and see all of the existing writing that we might modify, add to, gussy up, or tone down (copyrights, notwithstanding). For instance, what's the back story behind the dwarves from Snow White? What happened to Belle and the Beast after they were grandparents? You get the idea.
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! May 2015 become our year to take giant strides forward in our writing and authorship. May the 'Top 10' list be ever in your favor.