Tuesday, December 17, 2013

60 Ways to Not Write Your Novel

1. Blog about writing.

2. Read a book about writing.

3. Join a fan forum.

4. Listen to Writing Excuses.

5. Make a snack.

6. Join Twitter.

7. Post "Twitter is confusing!" on facebook.

8. Read a book you've been meaning to read for a long time.

9. Write a review about that book.

10. Read all the other reviews about that book.

11. Get into a Goodreads war.

12. See the @ column on twitter.

13. "Ohhhhhh... THIS is why people love twitter!"

14. Join a blogging community.

15. Write your synopsis.

16. Write your query.

17. Write back cover blurbs. For the entire series of eight epic fantasies you plan on writing.

18. Have a "job" that pays you "money" for "doing stuff" that "isn't" writing.

19. Remember Chris Farley did an SNL skit with extraneous sarcastic air quotes.

20. Look up the skit on YouTube.

21. Fall down the YouTube rabbit hole, emerging four hours later with a new-found appreciation for Nerdfighting.

22. Organize your desk.

23. Vlog.

24. Download the More Beaute2 app and edit a selfie.

25. Take way more selfies.

26. Research mundane details of your novel.

27. Fall down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, emerging five hours later with a working knowledge of pulley systems, Napoleon Bonaparte, and cheese.

28. Say it with me: NETFLIX.

29. Write your acknowledgments page.

30. Write your dedication. Make sure it's so steeped in inside jokes that no one but the person it's meant for can understand it.

31. Have a social life.

32. Fake a social life on Instagram.

33. Agonize over your first sentence. Minimum time spent on this task: three to four hours per day, for no fewer than nine days straight. 

34. Research agents.

35. Research editors.

36. Research movie options and rights and merchandising clauses.

37. Use imdb to cast your novel's movie adaptation.

38. Design your own cover in Photoshop "just in case" you ever decide to self-publish.

39. Realize all the pre-installed fonts on photoshop are worthless.

40. Scour the web for the "perfect" font.

42. Worry a lot about your klout score.

43. Register for a conference.

44. Research conferences.

45. Create your own business cards to hand out at the conference.

46. Eat.

47. Exercise.

48. Sleep.

49. Be involved in your family's life.

50. Write short stories to "break up the monotony".

51. Create a short story event.

52. Pick a title for your book.

53. Google that title to make sure no one else has used it, or if they have, that their book sucks sufficiently for you to feel confident in outselling them someday.

54. Change your title.

55. Watch movies to "analyze" them

56. Analyze your favorite books. (Fan forums are really helpful for this)

57. Analyze your family. For research.

58. Create a Pinterest inspiration board for your book.

59. Fall down the Pinterest rabbit hole, emerging three hours later with a new commitment to health, wellness, and Nutella.

60. Make really long lists of pointless stuff. 


  1. Does anyone actually pay attention to klout? Actually, that's a real question. Should I be paying attention to my klout?? And here I was, writing!

    (Not really, obviously, since I'm commenting on this blog.)

    Good list. :)

  2. Wow, shame on you for including so many links! I almost fell down the rabbit hole! :) Not that I really need any help wasting time when I should be writing. *Sigh.*

    P.S. Gina, you're hilarious. I'm glad your name is not spelled the same as mine, or I would maybe have to disappear you for being way cooler than me and also having my same name.

  3. Hee hee. I've done a lot of these. Including scouring the internet for fonts--royalty free ones. :)

  4. I the blogging world - like, people who want to make a living blogging - it matters a lot. The magnification of your message matters when you're getting paid based on how many people see your content.

    But otherwise, I just think it's funny to see what I'm an "expert" on. I've been listed as a Klout expert on Hugh Jackman, Alan Rickman, Harry Potter, and ducks. So I'm basically winning at life.

  5. Hahahah! I thought about not including the links, but I didn't want people to be annoyed with a lot of "What does she mean by that...?" type of questions.

    PS - I appreciate the vote of hilarity, though I very much doubt you'll need to worry about disappearing anytime soon.

  6. I've definitely done everything on this list.

  7. Funny thing is--I still had to look up klout. Because I am super uncool and had no idea what it was.

    By the way, though, I wasn't thinking about disappearing myself. I was thinking of disappearing YOU. :)

  8. Hahahaha! Oh geez! I did NOT read that correctly! *facepalm*

  9. Win! What does anyone really need more than Hugh Jackman and ducks?

  10. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This list rings so true, it's creepy. And hilarious. And shaming, but still awesome.

  11. HAHA! Excellent! 59- OH. MY. GOSH. SO ME! I can disappear for days on Pinterest!



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