Here's to 15 years....

Lacey Gunter

Most of us like a good love story. We root for that destined couple to figure out they adore each other and we wait on bated breath for all the pieces to fall into place. Then when they are finally together and the story closes out we imagine their happily ever after.

What does happily ever after look like? Ever is sure a long time. It would be pretty boring if it were all smooth flat sailing. It pretty much demands a climb. We don't really think of that climb when we imagine what happily ever after looks like.  But our imagination of that happily ever after is usually pretty short lived isn't it. If it was a really great story we might mull over it for a couple weeks, at most obsess for a couple months. But in real life, a love story that lasts a couple months isn't much of a love story.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  Fifteen sound like such a large number. Neither of us really feels that old. But both of us feel grateful the other person has stuck around that long and has continued this journey together.

Happily ever after is definitely a climb.  Stagnation never feels very happy. Growth can really hurt, but pain and happiness are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes we might feel like we are dragging our partner up the hill, kicking a screaming. Other times it may feel like our spouse is so far up the slope we're not sure how we will ever catch up. But the key, to me, seems to be to just keep climbing. We are not always holding hands, in perfect step with each other. But those moments when you both reach a peak at the same time and you turn around together to see the breathtaking view are as much fairy tale as anything I know.

Here's to fifteen years....going on ever after.

Punk time

By Beckie Carlson

I saw a post on Facebook today where a woman announced she had been married to her husband for 10,547...(or so) days. It caught me off guard. I thought we had moved on to months or years for big stuff like that. I did make me think though, what if we did keep track of everything in days or hours or even minutes. I wonder if we would be more conscious of how we spent our time?

A week isn't such a big deal to spend on a project. But what if we said we spent 168 hours doing something. Much more impressive. Looking back on my life, I had to wonder how much more impressive my accomplishments would look/feel if I changed the measurement device. These are all approximate.....Enjoy:

I was pregnant for 38,880 hours of my life.

I was married for 170,820 hours.

I did laundry for 2600 hours.

I went to school (college) for 5460 hours.

I was in the kitchen for 54,600 hours.

I didn't want to add up the hours on Facebook or other pointless social media because I was afraid I would go into a severe depression and jump off something high.

I also didn't add up the hours I've spent at the gym...it would be embarrassing. I don't even know the hours my gym is open. I feel more like I should write the money I spend on my membership off as a donation. I pay, but I get nothing out of it.

When it comes down to it, I don't think the time we spend doing something is really the point. I'm much more concerned with the quality of how my time is spent. I may have spent way too many hours/days/weeks watching movies, but I was usually with my kids and we were laughing together. I may have spent an obscene amount of time reading, but now I am extremely well versed and seemingly clever. I may have stayed up for hours watching netflix, but now I'm...well, tired. I don't think there is really a benefit to that one, except I do leg lifts to justify it.

How ever you spend your time, it is yours. It's really all we have, til it's gone. So, use it!

Cause I said so.

Photo credit: ashleyssuperiorcadproject.wordpress.com

Spinner Ring with a Twist

by Patricia Cates



Center stone dirty from too much lotion on wedding day.

Right off the bat here I’m going to need to make a confession. My wedding ring comes off all the time. On purpose! Yes, I know that is sacrilege for a lot of people out there, so I am sorry if I offend. However I need to be honest to tell this story. You see I take it off just about every time I use lotion... which is a lot. I rarely wear it when bathing, exercising, gardening, sleeping or immersing myself in any type of water. I like it to shine, but somehow even after all my fussing to keep it pristine, it becomes cloudy. So I will also take it off occasionally to be scrubbed and cleaned.  My ring is very valuable to me, not monetarily, but symbolically.

My husband is an entirely different story.

He has never taken his off…for any reason. If you look close it has a few superficial scratches. It is made of one of the harder metals known to man, tungsten carbide, (which apparently makes extremely durable saw blades.) It has a raised and notched black ceramic center line. He is a blue collar guy who works on cars, and his hands are black just about every day. He’s the one who should not be a wearing such an expensive item on his hand. Over the years he has worked on farm equipment in the snow, and changed tires on semis on the interstate. He’s always in mud and using heavy equipment of some sort. But that ring stays on! We picked it out not only because it was tough, but it also fits his very manly size 13 ring finger. He doesn't clean the ring, but somehow it always looks good. He made a great choice.  

Funny thing about this ring of ours, the raised center started spinning about a year after we were married. It actually orbits around the band. It isn’t crooked or anything. It isn’t even loose. It just isn’t intended to spin? We think it’s definitely unique. So far we don’t know of anyone else out there with one like it.

I share this with you because it is symbolic of what we are going through as a couple right now. My other half is working on a job in another city for the next two years. It’s been three months now and it has actually flown by. He is a quick 2.5 hours away and we know we can wing it. Most importantly it is what we have been hoping and praying for. We just had no idea it would come this soon. That being said we took a huge leap of faith in matters regarding finances and children and housing. It’s been quite an upheaval. We know that we have been blessed with this opportunity, but it is still a test due to some new-fangled types of stress.

On the bright side I’m pretty dang excited to go back to dating my husband. When you only get to see someone on the weekend, or even have to go three weeks, it is definitely something to look forward to. I miss him sleeping next to me, but it’s so fun to talk and giggle on the phone at the end of each day. If I want to edit out the messy details of a lousy afternoon, I can and often do. Also not living under the same roof means he doesn’t have to see me running ragged all the time. When I know he’s coming home I shower. I actually dress (up) for him…which might just mean jeans and a shirt, and shoes on with my hair brushed. But hey, it’s better than the alternative of the person seen perpetually clad in sweats and a pony tail. I will polish the furniture and make sure everything is neat and tidy for him when he walks in on Saturday night. So I’ve been pampering and caring for him (and me) a bit more, sort of like my ring.

He was home just this past weekend and I was playing with his ring in church and spinning the center. I noticed that it is a lot like our marriage right now. Sure it might appear screwy to many an eye perhaps, but it’s definitely solid. It's not going anywhere really. We are proving that just like that ring, one part can move without the other and that’s actually quite alright.

Then I started wondering if anyone else bought that same groom’s band and returned it because it started spinning after a year. Or maybe they’ve gone easy on theirs. Heck some rings might take 20 years to show the flaw, or maybe we just got lucky with the one and only amazing spinner ring.

Either way we are glad that ours showed what it can do early on. We would never take it back. It reflects what we are experiencing right now and to us it’s really cool, and apparently it’s indestructible. Just like us. And it’s wrapped around the hardest working hands I have ever touched or seen. Those hands hold me up and lift me and soothe me…always with that spinner ring on. A flawed ring wrapped around a faithful finger that’s mine.

Except...
There's a bit of a twist now.

photo courtesy of ctrringshop.com

You see I wrote this blog Tuesday night inspired by the weekend's events. I even came up with the term "spinner ring" all by myself. I promise I have never heard of such a thing. Then this morning I drove to Salt Lake City to drop off my teenage nieces at the airport, who'd been staying with us for 9 days. I asked them if they wanted to get their dad something to bring home for his birthday, as we had a few minutes to shop. We live in Idaho and had been at a Walmart the day before and to my knowledge they had only found him a card. With all of my girl's shopping as well, we had been split up at check out. 

I escorted them to the gate and while we were sitting and waiting for their boarding call, my niece opens up her backpack and drops an item into my hand. She tells me to look and see what she found for her dad at Walmart. They are not Mormon. Yet, there in my palm, she places a very beautiful men's CTR ring. I fiddled with it and had to ask her if it was broken, because it had a center section that spun around. The perplexity I felt at that very moment was indescribable. Truly. Mind blowing. 

Upon arriving home I ferociously opened up my laptop to see if I could sleuth out if that CTR ring was perhaps faulty as well. What would the odds be of that? A simple web search brought up dozens of images of men's rings that are actually designed to spin. I couldn't believe my eyes. I laughed and then cried happy tears at the ridiculousness of it all. How uncanny that just a few hours prior I had written and scheduled a blog about something so obscure as my husband's defective wedding band.

Aside from that, to suddenly find out that his (ours)is not the sole spinning ring, made my entire analogy bogus. We are the one's who have been under the impression for the past four years that the ring was one in a million, and like my husband says, it still is because it belongs to us. On many levels I can only hope that this odd incident is maybe just a little wink and nod from above.
 




 

Rock on

By Beckie Carlson
Do you ever get on of those nagging thoughts that just won't go away? Maybe it's a problem you can't figure out. Or maybe its worrying about someone you care about. Maybe it's wondering how you got to this strange life you live. It plagues you at night...interrupting dreams of River Dance with Brandon Fraser, or reruns of New Girl. It's annoying.

I've never had that. You all are weird.

Seriously. I have had a tickle of a thought the last few weeks. It's been something that pulls at my heart strings a bit. I don't have an answer (surprise) but I feel the need to ask the question.

As you may or may not know, I have lived all across the Southern United States. Being in Aerospace, we moved around quite a bit. I've met some wonderful people all across this beautiful land. I'm not great at keeping in touch with people, but I do check up with them on FB. Before that....yeah, I sucked. It is neat to be able to peek in on people I used to see at the school or church regularly, without having to pick up the phone and make awkward calls. I hate talking on the phone.

So, lately (three years or so) I've noticed that several of the women I've know from the various states, have gotten divorced and left the church. I look at these women and I see them as I knew them. They were my visiting teaching companions, my kids primary teachers, scout leaders, etc. They were, in my eyes, spiritual giants. I looked up to these women because they knew stuff. They understood it. They would bear their testimonies and I could feel it. I admit, I leaned on them a bit when I was weak.  What happened?

I know that several of them had awesome husbands that ended up cheating on them. Sometimes with other awesome women I looked up to. How does it happen? How does a person go from being rock solid in the gospel, to leaving it all behind and living another life?

I look at their beautiful pictures of strapless evening gowns, new weddings, strategic tattoos....and I wonder if they ever wake up in the middle of the night and ask themselves where they are. How did they get to this strange life they are living?

There are a lot of single people out there. They all have their reasons for being where they are. The choices we make are ours. No matter what choice anyone else makes, we are still accountable for ours. I'm not judging anyone here. My heart hurts for these beautiful women. Sure, my husband died, and that was hard. It is still hard. But I couldn't do it without my testimony and the gospel in my life.

Maybe I'm weak? Maybe I need that rock to build on. Maybe, it takes strength to hold on to it.
Cause I said so.

Photo credit: www.shop411.com

Writing My Own Real-Life Romance

by Becky Porter

This past Thursday, my husband and I celebrated fifteen years of marriage!  I know that not everyone has found their Prince Charming.  I know also that some find their knight in shining armor is really the evil villain of their fairy tale.  For those who are still searching and for those who have already found their love, here are some thoughts on how I am writing my personal real-life romance:

1.  Editors/Publishing.  My Savior, Jesus Christ, is literally "the Word" (John 1:1).  The scriptures tell us to "publish peace" and "publish good tidings of good" (Mosiah 27:37).  My Heavenly Father is all-knowing.  Why would I not take his advice on how to write the story of my life?  When I accept His personal advice and edits, my simple story will be turned into a masterpiece.

2.  Outlines/Character Sketches.  When I was in college, I had already seen a bit of the ugly side of life.  And my major was Family Studies, so I knew all the statistics on marriage in the modern world, and they aren't that great.  I was determined to find the right hero for my story.  All great stories begin with an outline and some character sketches.  Early on, I made my own character sketch for my real-life Prince Charming.  I wasn't looking for perfection, but I did want someone who shared my values, someone who had the strength to handle my past, someone who was gentle and patient.  I made my list and then prayerfully compared the many great guys I met to my sketch until I found one who met my criteria (and my Editor's).  Jeff had a list, too, and I'm grateful that we were both prayerfully looking for an eternal companion.

{A group of us in our college days; I'm in the red stripes and Jeff is in the blue plaid}

3.  Dialogue.  When you're writing fiction, the characters in your head don't always behave the way you want them to on paper.  In real life, of course, we can't control the other characters.  However, I have found that the words I say, how I say them, and my inner dialogue, have a powerful influence on my hero's dialogue and actions.  This is not manipulation.  Manipulation is based on selfishness and a desire to control another person, to take away their agency.  Rather, recognizing the power of our words, especially in relationships, can create an atmosphere of persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, and love (see D&C 121:41).  Adding spice to a marriage does not require adding drama (and trust me, having a spicy marriage makes for a better romance. wink, wink).

4.  Character Building.  No one wants to read about flat characters.  A good story fleshes them out and gives them life.  In my real-life romance, I work hard to bring out Jeff's good qualities while making sure the heroine--myself--isn't turning into a flat, two-dimensional character.  I have to allow my character to evolve, develop, and grow, or my romance will stagnate.  Just like any writing project, I have to set aside time regularly to build my character.

5.  Research.  OK, so it might not be the most enjoyable part of writing, but research has to be done.  If you're writing a historical novel, you have to study your setting.  If you are writing a mystery, you may need to learn more about police procedures and forensics.  This romance is my most important work, so I definitely try to do my research.  What do the scriptures say?  What do modern prophets have to say?  What do secular books, that reflect my values, have to say about romance?  The Family Proclamation tells me that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." Doing my research improves my romance immensely! 

6.  Artistic License.  I fought hard for my agency, and I value it above almost all else.  I am the author of this life, this beautiful romantic fairy tale, and I refuse to let any other person or situation determine how I am going to feel, speak, or act.  I truly believe that each of us has the ability to use artistic license on our life, to change each situation to suit our eternal goals.  I know that each day I have to make artistic choices about where my romance will lead and what will happen in the next exciting chapter.

Every day, I am beyond grateful for my knight in shining armor and for my chance to write my own real-life romance.  With my Editor and Publisher on my side, I am working to make it the greatest book I ever write.  And I have faith that I am, right now, living my "happily ever after."

The Reading Girl's Guide to Romance, or the Care and Feeding of Literary Crushes

by Merry Gordon

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man (in possession of a good fortune or not) might just be a hard sell on a writer chick.

You know why?

Because writer chicks are reader chicks.  And I don’t care how good you single men are:  Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott and a whole entourage of fictional top hats and tail coats got to our hearts first. 

For all the ladies who had a “type”—tall, dark and imaginary—and all the guys who’ve ever had to compete with a character, I give it to you straight:  the three stages of classic literary hero love (and how I lived happily ever after beyond the last page).

Chapter 1: Childhood

Little Women

I could never work myself up to pitying those penniless March girls.  Who needs money when you’ve got a hot Italian next door?  ‘Laurie’ Lawrence was everything my prepubescent heart could have desired:  quick smile, nice tan, and black eyes and volatile moods just European enough to make him mildly dangerous—all those “By Jupiters”! (Stop snickering.  At twelve, a couple of stick-on tattoos can turn you into you Jezebel.)  But my copy of the book was the abridgment, which left off charmingly with Laurie beginning to cast significant glances Jo-ward (squeee!).   Eventually, I stumbled upon Good Wives, the second part.  I threw that book across the room 3 times.  Beth dies?  Jo ends up with some old German dude?  And MY LAURIE hooks up with snottypants AMY?  What the heck, Louisa May Alcott?

Chapter 2:  Adolescence

Wuthering Heights

On to high school.  My hair was chemically enhanced.  Some of my classmates were chemically enhanced.  I wore black combat boots, too much eye makeup, and listened to the Cure.  I frequented cafés and used bookstores, which is where I found my next fixation:  Heathcliff.   I was so smitten I considered begging

Cover Girl to make their Oil Controlled Pressed Powder in Corpse so I could mimic the tubercular pallor of my new gothic heroine, Cathy Earnshaw.  That girl knew a Bad Boy when she saw him:  rebel, loner—oozing brutal sensuality, but sensitive enough to cry (and soak a tree in his own blood in a fit of lovelorn agony). Suddenly, the paltry passions of high school boys were hardly enough for me.  You want to hold hands under the bleachers, varsity football boy?  That’s nice.  But would you dig up my dead body thirteen years after my demise for one last kiss?  Now that’s hot. 

Chapter 3:  Young Adulthood

Pride & Prejudice

When sociopathic obsession and borderline necrophilia stopped being cool, I discovered Mr. Darcy—which is to say, the BBC helped me discover that Colin Firth would win a Regency wet t-shirt contest.  Having seen the miniseries in its six-hour glory, I devoured the book and fell in love with Fitzwilliam. He ruined college.  Frat boy come-ons under a haze of Axe now seemed so obvious after Darcy’s refined desire.  “What does he even do?” my male friends sulked when I found them wanting in comparison. Oh, you wouldn’t understand.  Gentlemanly things.  Horseback riding.  Letter writing.  Daydream inspiring. Tight breeches wearing. What’s that you say, Mr. Daaaahhcy?  ‘Every savage can dance’?  I am excessively diverted.  Let’s skip the ball and sneak back behind this shrubbery and I’ll put on my new lip gloss and show you what else every savage can do…

What was I looking for?  Just the boyish charm of a Laurie and the fieriness of a Heathcliff all wrapped up in the polished passion of a Darcy.  That’s do-able, right?

Apparently not.

But since Saturday nights alone with my books didn’t exactly satisfy, I found myself a nice guy.  He wasn’t rich (or Italian, for that matter), and he wasn't much more demonstrative than a casual arm around my shoulder.  While his manners were good, he lacked that urbane air of refinement. I never tried to change him, but I didn’t exactly put Laurie and Heathcliff and Mr. Darcy back on the shelf for good, either.

I  justified. 

I rationalized. 

I could have my boyfriend by day and my literary lovers by night and be faithful to all of them.

And it worked out pretty well—for a while. 

One night I was sick, and my boyfriend showed up anyway.  Reluctantly (as sinus infections aren’t nearly as romantic as consumption), I let him in and we watched Wuthering Heights for the umpteenth time.  As I sighed over the end credits, he turned to me. “All your lit crushes.  Is that really what you want?—I mean, they look good on paper, but is Heathcliff going to pick up Mucinex for you?” he asked, tenderly passing me two pills and sweetly ignoring the Kleenex plugs issuing from my snot-streaming nostrils.

Reader, I married him.

He was right, of course.  Laurie’s charismatic rich boy naiveté would probably get grating when it came down to choosing car insurance or anything remotely practical (on the other hand, with his money we could just hire someone to do it and I could live like the trophy wife March sister Amy).

I had grown out of the emotional sturm und drang of Heathcliff—date nights that could end in impulse tattoos and restraining orders seemed less appealing the older I got. 

And while Mr. Darcy might be a perfect theoretical mate, I couldn’t imagine him scraping toddler vomit off car seats, or comparison shopping for tampons, or any of the other utterly ordinary acts of gallantry my husband performs on a routine basis.

Yes, writer/reader chicks are a tough crowd. But eventually we all come to a crossroads in our literary lives:  either we’re living in someone else’s stories, or we’re writing our own.  The latter is infinitely more satisfying, even when it doesn’t make for a great page-turner.  

The Power of Committment

By Lacey Gunter

Today I am delighted to attend the joining together of two lovely people, my dear niece and her wonderful fiancé. They are young and sweet and thoroughly in love.

Marriage is such a powerful institution. It compels us to be better than we were and to look outside ourselves. Committing to love and be with someone even when things get worse, much worse, is difficult and takes a lot of courage, strength and patience. Modern society doesn't seem to place as high of a regard for people keeping their commitments as it used to.

 In the Book of Mormon^a when the Nephites^b were in a particularly grievous battle with the Lamanites^c and the Nephites had gained a clear upper hand, Moroni, their leader said they were willing to stop the battle and bloodshed if the Lamanites were willing to promise not to come against the Nephites again in battle. While the Lamanites were eager to get out of the loosing battle they were in, they were not willing to make this commitment because they had no intention of keeping it. So they decided to continue to fight. 

I am always amazed by this story. At this point in time the Lamanites were not a very good people. There were not a lot of very pleasant words used to describe them. But they certainly had one thing going for them, they must have been men of their words. They must have believed strongly in keeping their commitments. Otherwise they would have just committed to the Nephites to get out of the bad position they were in and then broken their promise later when they came back to fight again. They apparently believed so strongly in keeping their commitments that they were willing to die over it. If nothing else, that impresses me.

How easily people in this modern day break their commitments when things get a little difficult or inconvenient.  But keeping your commitments can be such a powerful force for good. I am grateful for this opportunity today to be reminded of my commitments to my husband, family and my God. I pray for the strength, courage and patience to be at least as good as the Lamanites and honor my word and my commitments. 

It may seem small, but consider the example of Abraham and Sarah of the Old Testament. Entire nations can be born of that one small commitment. And studying a little genealogy can teach you how much of who you are came from who your ancestors were. Our faithfulness to that one small commitment can ripple down through the generations of our posterity and have the power to effect the course of entire nations. That is powerful.


^a The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. It is the record of the people who lived on the American continents before, during and a little after Christ's birth, ministry and resurrection
 ^bThe Nephites were a people living in the Americas thousands of years ago before and during Christ's time. At the time of this reference they were faithfully living God's laws
^cThe Lamanites were also living in the Americas at the same time but they were usually not living God's laws and often went to war against the Nephites

Al Roker Shamed my Husband

So What happened this week in my family? LOL  Well, it kinda exploded.

It started one week ago when my husband and I agreed to be interviewed for a relationship column in the Wall St Journal. They were talking about weight as a stressor in marriage. That published on Tuesday with an accompanying Skype interview for their web show. We were completely open about it, sharing a few of really low points and some of the truly idiotic things my husband has said regarding my weight in the past. You can read the whole WSJ article here.

Well, a half and hour after the Skype interview aired, the Today show called. THE Today show. They wanted to fly my husband and I out to to New York to appear on the show... the next day.They promised to show my book and let me throw in a quick plug. Can't beat that. Except my husband has some wicked social anxiety. For him to even agree to be interviewed over the phone was groundbreaking, but to talk to people in person... wow this was a huge sacrifice on his part, especially since he was getting pretty beat up over the WSJ article.

So we agreed, my mother in law said she could watch my kids and we jetted off to New York. We would have about 4 minutes to answer Savannah Guthrie's questions on our marriage and weight. And find a way to plug my book without sounding smaltzy. To say I didn't sleep would be an understatement.

At the show, we got our hair and makeup done, (yes even Jarom) and then we waited to go sit on the sofa and get wired up for sound. Before we went on, Al Roker went by. I shook his hand and told him I was a big fan. Him keeping the weight off has been a huge inspiration to me and for my dad (who is currently going through the bypass process himself). Mr. Roker was so nice, to me anyway. He expressed complete disbelief over the comment referenced in the WSJ article that my husband said, basically surprise that he said it and was still alive and next to me.

Then it was our turn to sit on the couch. Jarom was terrified and I'm sure, pale as cheesecake under all that foundation makeup.

The next little bit was a blur, but somehow we survived. Video

And now the aftermath. Positive side: My little teeny regional book has gotten huge exposure and started taking off. And I've been contacted by some women who are going through those same trials as I once did.
Downside: It's really hard to give an accurate accounting of a marriage in 4 minutes.

One comment I hear over and over, Why didn't you leave him? You should have divorced someone who would say such hurtful things.

At one point, I almost did. Our marriage was fairly miserable for about 5 or six years. Neither one of us were very good partners to each other. But the cavalier attitude about just walking away and finding someone else disturbs me. That some people believe I am less for choosing to stay to work on things.

The "world" doesn't understand marriage in terms that we do as Latter Day Saints. Jarom and I were married in the temple. Getting a divorce is not like moving out of a bad neighborhood. The decision should be weighed with the heaviness of the eternal consequences it possesses. For us, the union was salvageable through love, understanding, and repentance. That's just us and our story though.  But to have people imply that I am abused, weak, a victim or a horrible role model because I made my marriage work -- blows my brain.

I am thankful to have grown up in a church that proudly proclaims the importance of marriage and family. To have the attitude that divorce is a last resort, not the first option of convenience. Sometimes the bond can't be saved, even for LDS, and I am just grateful that wasn't the case for us.

If I had left that one cold night seven years ago, if my husband hadn't let the air out of my tires so I couldn't drive off, my daughter, Lily, wouldn't be turning 6 next week. I wouldn't have her or my littlest one Autumn. My husband wouldn't have had the chance to grow and change, becoming my best friend and biggest supporter. And I would have been emotionally broken still, stuck in that loop of hiding from painful things instead of standing up and repairing myself.

So yes, my husband used to be an idiot at times, but there was plenty of that to go around on my side too. But in my opinion, any man who is willing to go on national tv with you, knowing he will be chewed out for being a jerk, by Al Roker no less, is a keeper.