Saturday So What: A Writer and her MAN-uscript

post by Betsy Schow
www.betsyschow.com

I often hear it said that a WIP is like nurturing and having a baby. Recently, a single friend of mine was talking about the trials and tribulations she was having with her boyfriend. Though I'm married, I could completely relate because of my current relationship -- my manuscript.

Here's the DTR (define the relationship) breakdown for you.

FIRST SIGHT
Out of nowhere, an idea pops into my head. It is charming, alluring and I find myself chasing it around trying to know more.




THE HONEYMOON PERIOD
After I've decided to commit time and effort to this MAN-uscript, I can't spend enough time on it. Everything we do together is pure gold! When I'm at the grocery store, I find myself thing about it, jotting down little notes. It consumes my every waking thought and I find myself neglecting friends, family, and chores for my writing dates.

THE UGLY TRUTH
Now that I've obsessed about things, the realities start to seep in. Plot holes, character flaws, and vastness of the commitment in front of me. My MAN-uscript is not shaping up to the perfect ideals I had envisioned in my mind. So I try to force it to change, to become what I want, but it resists and we fight. Sometimes I give it the silent treatment for days because I've started to hate it, just a little bit. Replaying those first chapters we had together, they aren't as magical as I remembered them.




WANDERING EYES
The excitement is gone and it's not long before a new hot idea catches my eye. I tell my MAN-uscript that we need to take a break while I explore my options. Even though I have fun playing around with the new, the old tickles along the edges of my brain and I can't get it out of my head. All the possibilities we had, did I just throw them all away?

RECONCILIATION
Now I have decided that I'm not ready to discard all the hard work I put into this relationship and I tentatively dip a toe back in. The huge problems I thought we had don't seem so bad anymore. I see our past with new eyes, deciding to let the MAN-uscript be what it needs to be. I push it to be the best it can, but know and accept that it will never reach perfection. Instead of hating the WIP for what it isn't, I need to work on my own skills so that I can improve.

PDA (public displays of affection)
Now it's time to share my love affair with the world. Some people won't get it, they'll mock or laugh. Outsiders will point out every pimple and line. However, some will connect the story to their own lives and feel something. It's always scary to be judged on the things that come directly from my heart, but in the end, I know the only thing that matters is the love and growth I shared with my MAN-uscript.

Al Roker Shamed my Husband

So What happened this week in my family? LOL  Well, it kinda exploded.

It started one week ago when my husband and I agreed to be interviewed for a relationship column in the Wall St Journal. They were talking about weight as a stressor in marriage. That published on Tuesday with an accompanying Skype interview for their web show. We were completely open about it, sharing a few of really low points and some of the truly idiotic things my husband has said regarding my weight in the past. You can read the whole WSJ article here.

Well, a half and hour after the Skype interview aired, the Today show called. THE Today show. They wanted to fly my husband and I out to to New York to appear on the show... the next day.They promised to show my book and let me throw in a quick plug. Can't beat that. Except my husband has some wicked social anxiety. For him to even agree to be interviewed over the phone was groundbreaking, but to talk to people in person... wow this was a huge sacrifice on his part, especially since he was getting pretty beat up over the WSJ article.

So we agreed, my mother in law said she could watch my kids and we jetted off to New York. We would have about 4 minutes to answer Savannah Guthrie's questions on our marriage and weight. And find a way to plug my book without sounding smaltzy. To say I didn't sleep would be an understatement.

At the show, we got our hair and makeup done, (yes even Jarom) and then we waited to go sit on the sofa and get wired up for sound. Before we went on, Al Roker went by. I shook his hand and told him I was a big fan. Him keeping the weight off has been a huge inspiration to me and for my dad (who is currently going through the bypass process himself). Mr. Roker was so nice, to me anyway. He expressed complete disbelief over the comment referenced in the WSJ article that my husband said, basically surprise that he said it and was still alive and next to me.

Then it was our turn to sit on the couch. Jarom was terrified and I'm sure, pale as cheesecake under all that foundation makeup.

The next little bit was a blur, but somehow we survived. Video

And now the aftermath. Positive side: My little teeny regional book has gotten huge exposure and started taking off. And I've been contacted by some women who are going through those same trials as I once did.
Downside: It's really hard to give an accurate accounting of a marriage in 4 minutes.

One comment I hear over and over, Why didn't you leave him? You should have divorced someone who would say such hurtful things.

At one point, I almost did. Our marriage was fairly miserable for about 5 or six years. Neither one of us were very good partners to each other. But the cavalier attitude about just walking away and finding someone else disturbs me. That some people believe I am less for choosing to stay to work on things.

The "world" doesn't understand marriage in terms that we do as Latter Day Saints. Jarom and I were married in the temple. Getting a divorce is not like moving out of a bad neighborhood. The decision should be weighed with the heaviness of the eternal consequences it possesses. For us, the union was salvageable through love, understanding, and repentance. That's just us and our story though.  But to have people imply that I am abused, weak, a victim or a horrible role model because I made my marriage work -- blows my brain.

I am thankful to have grown up in a church that proudly proclaims the importance of marriage and family. To have the attitude that divorce is a last resort, not the first option of convenience. Sometimes the bond can't be saved, even for LDS, and I am just grateful that wasn't the case for us.

If I had left that one cold night seven years ago, if my husband hadn't let the air out of my tires so I couldn't drive off, my daughter, Lily, wouldn't be turning 6 next week. I wouldn't have her or my littlest one Autumn. My husband wouldn't have had the chance to grow and change, becoming my best friend and biggest supporter. And I would have been emotionally broken still, stuck in that loop of hiding from painful things instead of standing up and repairing myself.

So yes, my husband used to be an idiot at times, but there was plenty of that to go around on my side too. But in my opinion, any man who is willing to go on national tv with you, knowing he will be chewed out for being a jerk, by Al Roker no less, is a keeper.

Saturday So What: Labor Pains

So What's up? My book's FINALLY here that's what. It feels like it's been forever. (for you reading too huh. lol)

I have always liked the "book baby" analogy, so I think I am going to use it to explain my thoughts.

For me at least, conception was the easy part. It never takes me very long to get pregnant or write a book. The gestation though is a killer. When I was pregnant with my girls, I threw up everyday for nine months. After I signed the contract for my book, I wanted to throw up for the past 11 months. Who knew I was supposed to have a master's degree in marketing and computer science to understand a little thing called social media?

Each time I was pregnant, I gave up my favorite thing -- Diet Coke. I went off the caffeine and soda, and tried to be super healthy for my kids, not a natural state of being for me. It was not fun. I hated the restrictions. I hated the hip and back pain. I thought, "There's no way I will EVER do this again. It's just not worth it."

To try to do what the publisher asked of me, I had to give up my favorite thing. I went from being able to read a book a day, to being somewhat chained to my laptop and giving up my precious reading time. I have been warned by some other authory friends that if I don't figure out the whole blogging thing, then it doesn't matter how good the book is. It will die a slow death of obscurity. So for almost a year I've done the legwork. I've blogged, I've spoken at events, I've solicited endorsements, I've done interviews and podcast. Even got into Utah Valley Magazine. Towards the end when I was trying to gather bloggers for my blog tour,  I thought, "There's no way I will EVER do this again. It's just not worth it."

My first daughter came after 27 hours of labor. I looked into her little blue face (she had trouble breathing) and knew that anything I had been through was worth it for what I had in my hands.

My books I ordered for my launch party arrived on January 3rd, a year after I finished the first draft. I opened the box and looked at the cover in my hands -- and I knew it had been worth it.

The path of an author is never easy. It is filled with rejection, criticism, and sweat with printer ink mixed it. A piece of our soul goes into everything we write. And when that piece connects with some reader, somewhere -- all the pain, the nos, the long nights, the writer's block -- will be worth it.

Here are my babies


Thank you for sharing in my "pregnancy".

Saturday So What: Compare and Contrast

Howdy to everyone in Bloggerville. My name is Betsy Schow. It's pronounced Betsy's Cow for all you folks dying to know. I will be your hostess for your Saturday blogging fix. I figure a little introduction is necessary before we get the the meat of the post.

I am still celebrating my 30th birthday for the next 10 years at least. I'm a stay at home, sometimes author, sometimes marathoner, all the time mother.  I lay claim to taking charge of two "spirited" little girls, one big kid hubby, a dog, a bunch of saltwater fish, and a hedgehog. I've only had to flush two from that list recently -- the rest are fine.

Recently, I went from a big fat quitter's anonymous lifetime member, to a self proclaimed finishing guru. Emphasis on the big fat. I learned a lot while losing 75 pounds and the weight of countless years of self loathing and doubt. Enough that I decided to write a book about the whole experience, which is where the sometimes author comes in. The title is still being bickered upon by my publisher, but I am sure you will hear more about the book before it's release in January 2013.

Now on to the good stuff. What the heck is a a Saturday So What? Well the Saturday is self explanatory, since it's my given day to blog. A So What can be several things. It can be a question So What about Marketing? It can be a declaration of intent and who gives a hoot, So What if I want to spend all day in my PJs. Most often it's what I've learned to say in the face of an obstacle before I figure out a way to move around it.

That would be today's topic. Saying So What after you've just compared yourself to everyone else in the room and found yourself lacking. We've all done it. Gone over to the neighbor's house to drop off a dinner, message, or kid, and then after seeing their spotless home, go back to ours and cry for an hour and curse our lack of housekeeping skills. "I'm not as good a cook as Donna" "My children are not as well behaved at Teri's" "I look like a beached whale next to her"

Don't worry, I'm not pointing any fingers. I too am guilty of the Compare and Contrast. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean honestly, it's not as if we didn't have enough on our plates without adding our own self inflicted judgments. Here's how it boils down. Everyone is unique with their own sets of special talents and circumstances. Does that lady down the street have 2 little ones at home? Is she trying to write a novel and wrangle said small children into bed at a timely fashion. Chances are not. Even if there are some similarities, whomever you are trying to measure yourself against still does not live your life in all its glorious insanity.

Most likely playing the Compare and Contrast game does not inspire you to do better, it just beats you down even farther. Am I right? Because that's what happens to me, it all feels meaningless to attempt to clean my house because it will be a disaster again in 10 minutes. And it will never ever look like Sharon's

I plead and beg and implore each of you (including myself) to stop playing the game. I'm packing up my toys and going home. I refuse to be ashamed that I buy my bread at walmart instead of making it from scratch. Destroying my self worth over a loaf of bread sounds rather idiotic when you get right down to it.

So next time you say to yourself, "I'm not as good a writer/housekeeper/mother/christian/business woman/ fill in your own blank here"... just stop. Then say to yourself, "So What".  So What if my house is messier than yours, and there's playdoh all over the floor- the girls had a lot of fun and it made their day. It all vacuums up anyway .

See you next week for another Saturday So What. In the meantime you can visit me over at my blog Finished Being Fat for a continuation on the theme of the dangers of comparisons, even with yourself. "The Long Run: Compare and Contrast".