When CEOs Give Parenting Advice...

You know how when something is awesome, it's not usually free (well, except for love and all that good stuff), and when something is free, it's usually not that awesome- or worse, there's a catch: it's free because someone is trying to sell you something?

Well, when I heard about this free online Mom Conference I was a little bit hesitant because come on- isn't there always some sort of catch? But it seemed like fun, and it was put on by Power of Moms, which is an organization that I greatly respect, so I decided to give it a go.

Oh. my. goodness. Am I ever glad that I did!

They had these speakers who were not just nice smart people they've come across, they are New York Times bestselling authors, multimillionaire business moguls, and experts in their fields. And no, they didn't spend every interview just throwing out a bunch of teasers to make you go buy their books or do their programs, they gave real, tangible, specific things you can do in your life right now to make it better. I was inspired, I was uplifted, and I still cannot believe the quality of information I got for FREE.

Here are just a few of my notes:

Overall impression from many speakers- Parenting is so much more than just teaching our children concepts; it's providing children with opportunities that allow them to put those concepts to the test.

One of my favorite examples from this was from Richard Eyre, who had shared that as part of their values-based parenting they had children memorize quotations. One day he had taken his children to a pro basketball game. His older boys were participating in a special dunking contest being held for the children, but his youngest, who was somewhat reserved, hung back, too nervous to try. He didn't think much of it until his youngest son suddenly stood up and started toward the court. He paused and looked back at his father and said, "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." He then went onto the court and proceeded to win the dunking contest.

WOW!

Eyre and his wife had actively been teaching their children about having courage, and when the time came to put that lesson to the test, their son passed with flying colors, thanks to a quotation from Shakespeare and the effort his parents had put in to teach it to him.

Rich Christiansen was another wonderful example of this- he was interviewed alongside his teenage son, Timmy, who told the story of how his dad taught him perseverance through mountain climbing, one step at a time. Now Timmy has co-written a book with his father and is on his way to great success in the world at a very young age. Rich also talked about the important of family doctrine, symbols, and rituals as part of creating a strong family culture (LOVED that). This interview also inspired me to create a personal mission statement.

Dr. Laura Markham was a big favorite of mine. She taught about teaching children to manage their emotions and how to problem solve. She gave specific examples of sibling rivalry and how to approach it in a calm, productive way, and how we as parents can learn to manage our own emotions in order to provide a more stable example for our kids to follow- and why it is SO important to do that.

Amy McCready was another favorite- she gave the 5 R's to consider when creating consequences for our kids' misbehavior (wonderful) and about how we can support our kids while really teaching them to take responsibility for their own behavior. She also gave some great advice about helping our kids manage technology usage which will be great for me in the future.

John C. Maxwell was a really cool, fun guy who talked about living intentionally, and he talked about how his parents paid him to read books- but not just any books. They had him read nonfiction books about having a positive attitude and leading people and developing good habits. At one point in his career he came across a list of books that every successful person should read, and he realized he had read all of them before he had even graduated from high school (except for 4 that hadn't been written yet). I loved this idea! (Honestly though, my favorite part of this interview was when the interviewer said she'd love a copy of his book for her birthday, and he said, "I have the CEO of one of my companies here and he's writing that down for me so I don't forget. I'm in Helsinki right now, but I'll be sure to get on that when I get back!" Helsinki. Finland. ONE of his companies. Yeah. I think his parents were on to something with those books...)

Jonathan Bailor, author of The Calorie Myth, gave some health advice that made more sense to me than anything else I've ever heard, and was more doable than anything else I've ever heard, and his interview has launched my husband and I in a new direction health-wise, and I am so excited to see where it takes us.

So, anyway, if you're completely jealous that I got to do this conference and you didn't, I have very, very good news for you- there is going to be an encore presentation of the conference with just a few of the select speakers from last week and it's happening TOMORROW- available for just 24 hours online, and you can sign up here. You give them your e-mail address and they send you the link to watch, no strings attached. So exciting! I hope you all take a few moments and watch/listen- I promise you that you'll be glad you did.

That Keynote Address

Photo by Erin Summerill

- a post by Jeanna Mason Stay

(And yes, this post is long, but not as long as the keynote itself.)

If you attended the LDStorymakers conference last weekend, follow the hashtag #Storymakers14, or are just friends with someone from Storymakers, you probably already heard about Orson Scott Card’s keynote address. If not, let’s just call it “controversial.” The variety of reactions to his address was interesting—some people were amused, some massively offended, and some scratching their heads. Me, I was mostly amused and found plenty of food for thought. So let me share some food.

First of all, Card and his writing: His fiction is wonderful. That is not to say that I love all his books (I don’t). But I love the complexity of his stories and his characters. Many of his books are what I consider highly moral (not “clean”—just books that make me want to be better).

In his other writing, he is not someone you could call diplomatic. I often read his Uncle Orson Reviews Everything column. His opinions are . . . strong, shall we say? He tends to offend. With gusto. I don’t know why, and I don’t find it useful to my life to waste time and energy in judging his personality. Plus, I don’t think he’d care. I usually just say, “Hey, that’s his decision. My judgment is irrelevant.”

So, knowing his tendencies, I knew we were in for a ride with his keynote address. I was curious to see how much—or if—he would tone it down for this audience (he didn’t). And I decided to be amused, not to be offended, and to learn whatever he had to share, no matter how impolitely he couched it.

Inspiration

Card is strongly against claiming inspiration from God for your writing. As with most of his views in the address, I both partially agreed and partially disagreed. On the one hand, there have been some occasions when I felt strongly that I needed to try to write a specific thing, and there have been times when I found my mind opened up better than it I could have imagined on my own. On the other hand, I am imperfect, and no matter how inspired I feel, my writing will fall short of perfection. So Card says this: Don’t be the reason someone questions their faith. Don’t give people room to say, “Is that story the best God can do?”

Card stated, and I tend to agree, that when writing is truly inspired, you don’t have to preface it with, “I felt inspired to write this.” It comes through.

Our Relationship to the Church

This is going to sound ridiculous, but it had never really occurred to me until Card talked about it: the reason I didn’t fit in as a youth in the Church was that I was highly intellectual (academic, thought-focused rather than action-focused), quite verbal, and introverted. I always just thought it was because I was shy, spazzy, not girly, and poor (relative to my much richer neighborhood). Somehow I like Card’s description better. :) And essentially he claimed that the Church doesn’t know what to do with people like this. From my personal experience and the experiences of youth I have worked with, I think this might often be true.

This is not a critique of the gospel, by the way (although, admittedly, when Card said it, it felt attacking—but so did everything else; get over it). I do not doubt that God has a place (in heaven) for the introverts of the world, the terrible leaders, those who hate making phone calls and struggle with visiting teaching. But I do think that place is much harder to find (on earth) in a sea of tasks that really fit the extroverts. That is why he said to come set up chairs, take them down, do the jobs that no one wants—because even though they’re not glamorous, they’re important too (plus, you don’t have to talk as much!). That way, you have a place.

While many of the night’s tweets complained that Card was being a snob in this portion of the address, considering himself above the nonintellectual folk of the Church, I think they really missed the point. (Sorry, ladies and gents.) He wasn’t saying that the “intellectual” members are better than the physical folk, the extroverts, the less educated—simply that they are different. I think he honestly meant it when he said to treasure your friendships with them. It’s important not to isolate yourself in a world (i.e., your head) that doesn’t look like the rest of humanity.

Decorum

Okay, people, how is it not funny that in an address about decorum, Card used the words “defecation” and “urination” repeatedly? Come on, that was funny, admit it. Partially because it was so very indecorous, partially because I sometimes have the sense of humor of a sixth grader, and partially because—honestly—they’re just scientific words for things we all do. Why is that offensive?

But the point was, of course, that just as you don’t have to write those events into your book even though they surely happen, you don’t have to write in the sex and swearing. You choose the level you think you need to write in, and that’s what you do. (Note, of course, that Card’s level of comfort with writing some of these things is different from mine, or from yours, or from anyone else’s.)

Finally: the amusement of Card telling an audience (the bulk of whom are Mormons he has just offended) that no matter what you write or how you write, you will at some point offend a Mormon. Well played, Card. Well played.

Failure and Success

Now we come to the portion of the address that almost everybody was on board with—what it means to be a failure or a success. Your marriage, your kids, your relationship with God—these are more important than being a good writer. Being a good Mormon is more important than being a good writer. He quoted President McKay, “No success can compensate for failure in the home,” saying that failure is not being there, not being part of your family’s lives. It made me look forward to flying home and giving them all a big hug and doing better.

In the end, even if every other word of his address was offensive to someone who was listening (and that would be a shame, because that person would have missed out), this reminder should have overridden it all. Being a good writer is not success. Being a good person is.*

So what do you all think?

*I’m not particularly interested in quibbling over whether Card himself is a good example of this notion. I think he’s a wonderful writer and a complex person. And I think I will choose not to judge him as a person.

Saturday So What: "Opportunity looks a lot like HARD WORK."

- a post by Betsy Schow

Usually, I'm not a big fan of Ashton Kutcher. To be honest, he always seemed like a moron. Recently I've had to revise my opinion. If you haven't seen his acceptance speech at the Teen Choice Awards, I highly recommend that you do.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNXwKGZHmDc


He said one line in particular that stuck out to me: "Opportunity looks a lot like hard work." In the writing business, everyone knows there is definitely a bit of luck involved. Having the right book, at the right time, seen by the right person -- boom -- hello J.K Rowling.

There is so much more to the story. It was not an overnight success. It was not a magic spell that fixed her world. She worked her tail off to be where she is.

How many rejections did she get? No clue how many agents she queried and got put off by. As far as publishing houses go, 12 turned the manuscript down. It was picked up by a little publisher in England. The first print run was laughable. But it got bigger and bigger. Faster than you can say "alohamora" all doors were open to her.

Very few will ever attain the level of "success" that Ms. Rowling has. No matter how much we pour into our craft. However, I will never know if I don't put in the time and effort. Moving a little farther everyday. Not turning back when the road looks too long and the goal too far. Each blog post, each short story, each book gets me closer to where I want to be.

There is a famous LDS picture and saying that brought me great comfort as a teen.

Now as a wife, mother, LDS woman, and writer, these words are my daily mantra. And right next to them on my desk is a new little post-it note, "Opportunity looks a lot like hard work" - so get going.

Starting next week I will be sharing a bit of the hard work. Please tune in next Saturday to hear the wise words of my new blogday partner, Lacey.

S is for Success

So What is Success? What does it look like? When do you know you have it?

These are all questions that I've struggled with (ok still struggling).
Whatever I did, someone was better. Half of my friends went to Ivy League schools and the other half skipped school and became actors, writers, etc. And who was I? A stay at home mom. Big freakin whoop.
I didn't have a big important 9-5 corporate job. Hilary Rosen would accuse me of "... never having worked a day" in my life.

Well this past year I've learned how to look at success a little differently. I even have a whole chapter about it in my book, Finished being Fat: An accidental adventure in losing weight and learning to finish. (coming out in January 2013, :) thank you for asking ) As darn near every woman can tell you, motherhood is the hardest and lowest salaried job on the planet. First you have to grow a human being, which is pretty impressive considering I can't even get my veggies to grow.  You are responsible to teach your kids right from wrong, clean up sick, feed them healthy stuff, feed them crap when they won't eat the healthy stuff, get them to school in semi clean clothes, make sure when they're teenagers that they keep going to school, and the list goes on and on. Motherhood is definitely not 9-5, it's 9-life.

I've decided that if my kids are still alive at the end of the day, I'm a success. It doesn't matter if they're the cutest dressed kids on the block, or the lead in the school play.  As long as they are growing and improving as little people, then I must be doing something right.

Now for the hard part, applying what I've learned to writing. At first, my only goal was to finish a book. Once I did that the next logical step was to get it published. Okay, did that. Now I'm told that if I want my book to be a "success" it's up to me to market the heck out of it. So I'm working my butt off, doing all the things my publisher has asked me to do: work on building an author's platform, blog, gather facebook friends, tweet stuff, get endorsements.

I've started having nightmares. I'm over analyzing everything I do. Do enough people "like" me? Do I have enough followers? How many people are reading my blogs? Once again, whatever I'm doing, it feels like it's not enough. I feel like a failure compared to everyone else.

Stop. Reboot. Go back to my original question. What is success? Is it being on the New York Times Best-sellers list? Is it have 5000 Facebook friends and hundreds of likes per post? Is it getting on a daytime talk show? If I did all these things then could I finally call myself a "success"?

Those things are all nice and fabulous, but I think success is something a little deeper. Just like in motherhood, I think success is changing one life for the better. Even if it's your own. If your story, whether it's fiction or non-fiction, has touched someone... congratulations- you are a successful writer. So What if you self publish, or have a small indie publisher. Doesn't matter.You have made a difference. Something you created has made the world a little brighter.

If that isn't success, I don't know what is.

Are you Successful?

by Elizabeth Mueller



This idea struck me and I feel I needed to write this.

What is success? A boat? 2 RVs in your driveway? A finished book? A published book? Your children graduating from high school? Waking up in the morning from a good night's sleep?

There are many ideas of success--depending on what our goals are. And they are all dependent upon our individual needs.

So, what is it?

For me, material things can get in the way of a vision that should start from the home. Something that is clouded over through the world's point of view.


I had a friend over a few weeks ago and the topic arose. She knew of my doubts and she reassured me. She pointed out the painting of the temple on my wall. How my husband and I held each other while we visited. How respectful my children were. She pointed out how she felt the presence of the Lord in our home. She said nothing else should matter beyond that because that was success to her.

How much she put things into perspective for me. Those are the things I ought to bear in mind at all times.

Temple Progress:

They continue to dig down and the trucks continue to haul away the dirt.