As I
have said before I am almost done with my first story. I made a deal with my
friend last year at LDStorymakers that we would both submit our current WIP in
the First Chapter Contest. I remember thinking, “No problem, I will have it
finished in no time. Of course life can get in the way. For me, I always make
family first. Unfortunately I even sometimes make laundry and dishes first as
well. (I am working on that). If I am going to succeed and accomplish things I
have to make more sacrifices. I just realized how soon my submission has to be
in so this week I have been working really hard on that first chapter. I am
submitting it on the deadline date, Monday (tomorrow). I am not entering the
contest because I think I am going to win. I want advice and feedback by doing
the contest. I want to say that I tried. One more stepping stone to that goal
of having a published story. Have you entered any contests? Any advice for me?
I
thought that I would post a few of my paragraphs from my first chapter and I am
open to any advice or tips. This is a historical fiction that is based on my
grandparents. I would love it to be Non-Fiction, but I had to fill in the gaps
from my grandparents’ memories. Thank you! I appreciate any feedback and
experiences you can share.
The Hope Chest
A WWII Story
about Faith, Love and Hope
1
Dreams
Jerry 1945
At
the foot of Mount Surabachi, I was
afraid to dream.
“You have two orders,” My commanding officer told us.
“Stay awake, and fire at anything above ground that moves.”
Unholy sounds of gunfire and mortar echoed overhead.
Crammed into a little hole, I realized trying to keep my eyes open was a
horrible torture. It had been three days and three nights since I slept. My
hole-mate and I wanted it to be over. It was to a point that I had to
sleep. I had
nothing more to lose.
Nightmares were a constant and
torturing reality for many soldiers. We were already living a nightmare, why
should we have to suffer in our sleep as well. On the other hand, perhaps, with
some luck and a blessing from heaven, I might actually get to dream about
Merle. I missed her so much. I gave in. An
instant upon closing my eyes, sleep overtook my body.
******
Our
Story begins
Jerry 1940
The summer of 1940 ended; the delicate leaves changed
from green to the deep red and gold hues of autumn. Several serene trees
enveloped the area at Fairmont Park, but it was the glowing Cottonwood trees
that really made the park so glorious. It was our place to go and get away from
the world to feel safe. Fairmont was very different from the hustle and bustle
of Liberty Park. I don’t know why, but I preferred the tranquil nature of
Fairmont best. Although we were surrounded by members of Merle’s church ward, I
still felt secluded, like we were the only two people in the world. The soft
warm breeze tickled my cheeks, as a gust of air blew by us. My nerves jumped
even more, if that was possible.
Thanks so much for the comments... For some reason it is not letting me comment back. I love every piece of advice. :)
Awesome first line! The first part feels a little bit awkward though, because you feel like you're still getting orders when suddenly you're in a hole. I like the description of the gunfire. Adding in the part about the hole-mate makes it seem like we're going to get to know this person, but that's the only mention there, so that feels a little bit off. "It was to a point that I had to sleep"- this is one of those things people say, but it feels awkward to read it, so you might want to re-think that wording.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of the fourth paragraph takes us out of that moment you had us in from the beginning- think about tying in those ideas more fully to that scene, like having him say something like, "My commanding officer wasn't the only force keeping my eyes open that night; the fear of the enemy soldiers invading my mind with the nightmares that so frequently plagued those of us on the front lines was enough to make me fight against sleep as hard as I was fighting the battles of war." Okay, that was totally wordy and flowery, but you get the idea. I liked that "We were already living a nightmare..." line, just add a question mark at the end.
After the jump- delete "several" from the sentence about trees. I love your description of this park- it really makes it sound magical. If this book will be LDS, go with "members of Merle's ward", otherwise, just go with "members of Merle's church." "A soft warm breeze tickled my cheeks as a gust of air blew by us"- this is kind of a contradiction- was it soft and warm or a gust?
Overall, I can see where you're going with this and I like it. I love flashbacks- adding in the war scenes are a great way to add suspense to a story like this one that might not otherwise have real cliffhangers (most love stories don't).
Hope I didn't give TOO much feedback! LOL! Just tell me to hush up. But thanks so much for being brave enough to share with us and keep working on it! I see really exciting potential here! :-)