I had a rough evening with Mom today. She's 94 and has some dementia, and I help her shower, and tonight, she wasn't very happy. She didn't like something I bought her, she was impatient with the fact that I've not connected with her physical therapist yet (we keep missing each other), she kept at me about helping her with a letter she's been writing, and she didn't like the towel I used to help her dry off.
On the mile-drive home from my parents' ALF, I felt the pressure of tears. I've been helping my parents (Dad is 91) for five years, and I've watched them gradually decline. Every month or so, they have a medical issue, or a further slip in mental acuity. Overall, I'm able to cope, but once in awhile...it hits me that these are not the parents I grew up with. Their lives have become very small. Their memories are short, their complaints are close to the surface. They are adamant that they can do everything they used to do, but they really can't. I am usually the bad guy, the one who sets the boundaries, says no, but behind the scenes, makes sure they are OK.
I am a caretaker. I never thought I'd be doing this, but here I am. I love my parents, and God sustains me. I'm not complaining. I'm just realizing that as we age and our awareness/abilities disappear, we are left with what seems to be simply the flesh. And the flesh is weak and tired and grumpy.
My parents were never like this before. They are dedicated Christians who raised four children and buried a son when he was 23. They worked in the church tirelessly all of their adult lives. They opened their home to friends and strangers alike. Any loving kindness I have ever extended, I learned from them.
The Mom I helped tonight is not the Mom who raised me and became a friend/spiritual guide to me. But, it's not her intention to be testy; her brain is simply deteriorating. It's wearing down and wearing out, and frequently, misfiring. This is what the flesh does. It was never meant to be permanent. It's here for awhile, and then it turns to dust. It helps to remember this.
Wow, what a powerful post. It’s amazing how the roles switch as parents age. My parents are in their late 60s right now, so I know it’ll be coming, but it’s tough to even think about. I know that the Lord is seeing your good works and that the angels are recording them, and I know that one day your parents will be over-the-moon grateful for all you’ve done for them and for the love you’ve shown them when they’ve been at their most unloveable. <3
ReplyDeleteI know those things too, Kasey. Most of the time I'm OK, but sometimes it's just sad. Old age can go on for many years, and I know my folks struggle with why they are still here. But, God know, and we trust Him.
DeleteThank you for these reminders. I'm not the caretaker for my dad, but these interactions are very common. It's good to remember that it's the body, not the spirit.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeanna. It helps to write about this on difficult days.
DeleteIt is so sad when we have to become the carer of our parents, ok I have not reached that stage yet my parents are only in their 70's and still live in their own home and have active and full lives but I believe it may happen one day they will need me to care for them
ReplyDeleteYou are blessed to have your folks still doing well in the 70's!
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