Mom Brain: It's a Thing

by Katy White

I read an article recently about how "Mom Brain" is a real thing. If you have children and have never had mom brain, first, I want to know your secret. Second, you're probably a mutant, so expect a call from Professor X about joining an elite team of super-humans. Also, you're a jerk and I hate you.

(Kidding.)

(Mostly.)

With a six-week old and a toddler, along with a husband who travels for work, I'm burning the candle at both ends these days. Sleep and I are in a huge fight right now, and unfortunately, I'm losing. I can't correctly identify the most basic objects (carseat, highchair, stroller, booster chair...these are all interchangeable, as are drawer, cabinet, cupboard, counter, and closet). The words "left" and "right" have absolutely no meaning (though, in fairness, I've always struggled with these (in English, not French, oddly)). Yet I can recite nearly every children's book we have by memory. I can tell you exactly where every article of clothing and pair of shoes are in our house. I can rattle off our pediatrician's number as easily as the number for poison control (heh heh...).

So, you know, that makes sense, Brain.

And you know the best part is about Mom Brain? I have no idea what the point of this post is.

Sick of the Mommy Wars

by Katy White

In the last week, I've read three different posts about the "Mommy Wars" (and that's only because I generally avoid reading posts about them. I'm sure I could have read three hundred, if I'd wanted to). Although I loved two of them (this post and this video), to be frank, I'm sick of the topic. Beyond sick of it. So, this will constitute my one and only rant on the subject.

Here's the thing: unless you're doing something neglectful, dangerous, or creating a bully-mentality in your child, I don't care what you do. Sure, I may think some things are weird or silly and I may see you do things that would never in a million years work for me or my child, but isn't that the point? You're raising your children! You're doing what works for you! And I'm doing the same. For you breastfeeders? I don't care. For you who use Enfamil instead of Costco formula? So what? For you who believe that having a messy house means you're a more attentive parent? That's not my style, but the fact that it's yours sure doesn't concern me. Co-sleepers? Cry-it-out? Organic-reusable-diapers-made-of-unicorn hair?

Literally every one of my siblings/best friends and I disagree about something when it comes to parenting. It could be about the most effective manner of teaching consequences, about sleep-training, or about whether or not serving pees is child abuse. Does it make me think they're lesser parents? Not a bit. Even when we disagree.  

And if others think I'm a lesser parent for *gasp* formula-feeding or thinking sharing is a con or putting my child in time-out in public or a million other things that I do differently than they do, well, I don't care. I'm confident in my parenting decisions, even when I have no clue how to respond to something. And you should be, too. Because the one thing I'm certain we all have in common is that we're all doing our best, both for our families and ourselves.

We're making our decisions out of love, (or at least we should be; if you're not, then I take back everything...). We all share a desire to make our children the happiest, strongest, best-adjusted, funniest, kindest, silliest, most hard-working, persistent, spectacular children in the world. And the only way we can do that is by being (the best version of) ourselves.

This world needs diversity, not sameness. A quest for sameness isn't just boring, it's dangerous (see Hitler). So even if I let my kid watch Peppa Pig and you let your kid watch Caillou (or don't have believe in TV at all), let's just agree that we both love our kids, move on, and go have a playdate at the Children's Museum. Cool?

Cool.

(That said, Caillou is lame and I think you're making a huge mistake.)


Readers, what do you think about the Mommy Wars? How do you handle parenting disagreements?

"Just" Nothing

by Katy White


On Sunday, a friend of mine spoke in church and took the opportunity to first introduce her family, including her highly educated and accomplished husband.  When she got to herself, she said, "And I'm just a mom at home with the kids."




I felt like someone had tried to slap me.  And I felt like slapping her (just a little bit.  Lovingly). 




Before becoming a mom, I had a successful, high profile career for twelve years.  I was very well respected at work and only had more opportunities in front of me.  When my years of infertility were finally rendered obsolete (YAY!), I returned to work for a short time, but ultimately decided to stay home.  When I left my job, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who reached out to me with their regrets (and support).  Yet now, not even nine months after I closed my office door for the last time, conferences and trainings and site visits are all still happening.  My former coworkers are going to lunch together.  My boss has taken my replacement under his wing, complete with inside and practical jokes.  My directors are thriving under the new regime.  All without me.


On the other hand, when I leave my kid for two minutes to go to the bathroom, it's like the apocalypse has come early at our house (okay, not quite, but you get the picture).  I’ve never felt more important, loved, wanted, needed, or fulfilled.  Instead of managing grown ups who too frequently choose not to change or grow, I get to shape the entire life of someone who is constantly developing and learning and laughing and calling the wrong things “Daddy!”  I love it.  So when someone says "just" to staying at home, it saddens me.  And I'm not alone.


Patricia Holland, wife of LDS Apostle, Jeffrey R. Holland, said:

"If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women. I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never find the calming strength and serenity for which their sex has always been known. 

Satan has effectively done that, catching us in the crunch of trying to be superhuman instead of striving to reach our unique, God-given potential within such diversity. He tauntingly teases us that if we don’t have it all—fame, fortune, families, and fun, and have it all the time—we have been short-changed and are second-class citizens in the race of life. As a sex we are struggling, our families are struggling, and our society is struggling."1

She said this in 1987, over 25 years ago.  We all know the problem has only gotten worse.  We feel the pressure everywhere we go, sometimes even at church.  We see it in the media, read it in books, and are slapped in the face with it so frequently, our cheeks are numb. (And that’s not even mentioning Pinterest!)  Satan has one message for us as women:  you’re not enough.  You’re never enough. 

Bullpucky.




My mom passed away when I was a little girl.  I scour photo albums for glimpses of her (she hated having her picture taken) and pour over the baby journal she kept for me, eager to glean hints of her personality.  I pepper my grandma with questions about her and relive memories with my siblings.  When my dad or her old friends tell stories, I listen with wide eyes, an open heart, and a tightly closed mouth.  I cherish memories of the holidays that she took pains to make special, not because of the hand-crafted decorations-matching-the-invitations-matching-my-dress, but because of the thoughtful, personalized touches that made you know it was for you, not her. I revel in her wit and sass.  I admire her kindness and charity and the fact that virtually every woman in our small town felt that she was, in fact, my mom’s best friend.  I delight in her competitiveness and intelligence and her love of adventure and thirst for knowledge.  I miss her voice.  

She is with me always, a part of my world, an integral part of my identity, regardless of how little time I actually spent with her - less time than my career, in fact.  If someone tried to tell me she "just" stayed at home, I wouldn't be able to laugh or even grow angry at their ignorance.  I'd pity them.  


I respect the heck out of those moms who work, whether it's by choice or not.  It's hard and it's sometimes frustrating and it's sometimes wonderful.  And having experienced over a decade of unwanted childlessness, I know you can be happy and fulfilled in your life/marriage/career/church calling without a child, despite a righteous longing for one.  Whatever path we find ourselves on, we can know joy and know our Heavenly Father, if we want to.   

There’s no “just” to any of our lives.  No woman is “just” single or married or working or at home or any combination thereof. 

And no woman has ever, ever, ever “just” been a mom.




1. Holland, Patricia. "One Thing Needful: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ." LDS.Org. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 01 Oct. 1987. Web. 26 Aug. 2013.

Saturday So What: Mommy Writer's Guilt

I have an epic case of Mommy Writer's Guilt. I am neck deep in revisions and the changes that I thought would be easy, have ended up altering the entire structure of my book. Characters are falling by the wayside.  Lost and forgotten.  Including the two most important characters... my kids.

I have an almost 3 yr old and a 5 and half yr old. I'm worried that for the last week and the next one to come, they are orphans. My husband is going to school full time and in the middle of finals. When he's home, he's locked in his office.And I have spent at least 40 hours this week making the editorial revisions. Trying to meet my deadline in a week and a half.

If I don't lock myself away, then I am constantly distracted by the screaming and guts flying everywhere. Don't worry-- it was just the Teddy Bear's. He pulled through the reconstructive surgery. If I wait until they are asleep, I can only make it until 10 oclock before my brain turns to mush.

To make matters worse, next week I start school again too. For five hours a day, the little ones are going to be shipped off to grandma's, summer camp, or whoever else I can get to take them. I feel horrible. Up until this year, I have been a stay at home mom who's main task of the day was making sure the kids had bathtime.

 I am used to spending every waking moment with my kids. They still follow me to the bathroom. Now I'm seeing them less and less. Normally, I try not to let my WIP take time from my kids. I write during preschool or dance class. But schools out, and the deadline is looming.

Am I just making excuses by saying that it's only temporary? Just another week and then when I'm home.. I'm all theirs? Or am I horrible mommy neglecting my kids?

Do you struggle with writing and other pursuits getting in the way of family time? What do you do? Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Sorry that this isn't my normal upbeat kind of post, but I wanted to share what I was feeling.

Hopefully I can survive the next 8 days, but if not, you can read me post mortem :) This week's posts are De-Sensitivity Training for the Zombie Apocalypse and The Incredible Shrinking Catwoman.

Is it really Thursday?

I have to apologize that my post is so late today.  I've been sick this week, and trying to get ready for my son's fifth birthday party this weekend, and the end of the school year next week, among other standard life needs and demands on time.  I spent thoughtful moments brainstorming this morning on a possible topic for this week's post - for tomorrow.  I just came on to check for inspiration from today's contributor, and realized, "Oh my goodness, today is Thursday!  I'm supposed to be today's contributor!"

I really don't know where my head is.  I swore today was Wednesday.

So for lack of time and in a panic, I'm going to share a quick thought with you.

On Sunday, as my children and I were preparing brunch for Father's Day, I stood at the sink with my two oldest, who were helping wash up a few dishes.  We were enjoying a cheery conversation, some uplifting Sabbath music, and the joyous spirit that comes with celebrating the wonderful Father's in our lives.

As I was reflecting on the very topic of family, my daughter turned to me and said, "Mom, I feel like you're lucky to have us as children."

My heart about melted, because I couldn't agree more.

It was just another one of those moments when you realize how important the role of parenthood really is.  And why we must learn to balance our lives.

Have a lovely Thursday evening!  I will see you next week, hopefully better prepared.

Sometimes Just a Mommy

I'm dashing in to write my post today between a million different activities today. My second daughter's 8th birthday is today, and while we are celebrating only as a family, there are still many things to do. My oldest also has her final choir concert today, so we have to run right after dinner and birthday cake to that. Not to mention that we were so out of food my 5 year old would open the fridge, look at its bareness, and say, "Mommy, are we ever going to eat again?" We're also knee deep in preparations for the "Hunger Games" themed birthday party we are throwing for my 15 year old next Monday(who will be 16 a week from today) AND for family to come for the 8 year old's baptism a week from Saturday. (Can you see my eye twitching? CAN YOU?????)

My point is that while I write to fulfill myself, which in turn helps my children because mommy isn't so cranky, there are some days when I have to say "Today I am just a Mommy. I am not Megan. I am not a writer. I am just Mommy. And I am okay with that."

I'll have time later to think just about my writing again, but "Today is NOT that day!" (Name that movie.)