Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear Americans, Please Come and Visit Me!

I've just got back from a lovely holiday ("vacation") in Florida, and I'm really missing America. I love corn dogs, Mexican food, water parks, sunshine, wide roads without potholes, huge buildings and having my groceries bagged for me. I love the larger-than-life characters who sit on a beach with their families (within earshot of a trembling pasty Brit) and say things like, "I've got a lot of weapons and Cheryl's a hoarder, so when it goes down we'll hold out as long as we can and then retreat to her place." (For more information about my experiences, go to

We were very well treated by the locals in Orlando and made to feel valued and welcome, so I'd like to return the favour and spread the love. Anyone out there want to come and visit me in England?

Admittedly there's not much to tempt you. Great Britain is a very cold, damp and grotty-looking little island. We struggle to squeeze 63 million people into an area smaller than Wyoming (population half-a-million), so the roads are narrow and busy. There are no theme parks and my house (perfectly average by UK standards) is smaller than our apartment in Florida. It also doesn't have a guest room so you'd have to stay at a hotel. But here's a taster of part of the itinerary I can offer you (feel free to Google all these places, especially images):

Day 1: Hadleigh Castle, Old Leigh and Southend-on-Sea
Hadleigh Castle is a ruin, but it's interesting all the same and the views are spectacular. It's just a five-minute drive away. Old Leigh, five minutes more down the road, is a beautiful ancient fishing village with a cobbled street, tiny houses, and freshly-caught fish still sold at the docks. Just a little further along the Thames Estuary is Southend, which boasts the longest pleasure pier in the world, plus very good ice-cream. It's just a little further down the road from Leigh. I would propose ending this day with a curry at the Tandoori Parlour. British curry is the best.

Day 2: North Essex, Audley End and Suffolk
My county isn't the best in the UK I'm sure, but I love it and parts of it are stunning. We'd travel through Battlesbridge, which is as lovely as its name, and stop to look at the antique shops it's famous for. We'd then go on to Thaxted and Saffron Waldon, both beautiful historic villages, and visit Audley End, an ancient stately home. On to Ipswich, taking in the village of Lavenham on the way. And if they're agreeable, tea with my parents in their beautiful cottage, built in 1491.

Day 3: London
The easiest way to take in all the sights is by sightseeing bus tour, or a Thames boat tour. London is stunning, and we'd stay late and take in a show in the West End.

If you like history and culture, it's something you have to experience. (If you like warm weather and theme parks, I recommend Florida.) So come on, when will you come to visit me?


  1. One's my dream to spend a lot of time in Great Britain. day. I'll call you then.

  2. Oh, that sounds like so much fun. Someday when I finally get to England, you'll definitely be on my list.

  3. Okay, someone needs to teach me to moderate comments. Fahad, thank you for your kind offer of a car, it's good to hear that my celebrity status is now such that I warrant such a gift. I'd like a Ford, please, something small enough that I can actually park it, but big enough to fit my three girls in the back. (I don't need a car with girls, thank you, I supply my own girls.)

    When will you be delivering it?



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