Do you ever feel that despite the millions of words in the english vocabulary, you just seem to use only about a thousand?? I'll write a sentence and stare at it knowing there has to be a better way to say it, but not know how. That's where our critical readers come in handy. We had a post last week where people feel like we should have an online critique group. I think it's a great idea, but I personally don't have the time to set it up right now. If someone is interested in heading it up, let me know and I'll tell you how to get started. Otherwise, let's use the blog for a small workshop today. I'll start by posting two short sentences that I feel need to be reworded but I don't know how. You add comments telling me how to fix mine and also feel free to leave a sentence in your comment that needs to be fixed. We will number each sentence that needs help, so when someone is commenting to fix something, they can specify what number they are offering suggestions for. This post should have a TON of comments today!! Don't be shy! Let's make our blog work for us.
#1 Sometimes the past six months seemed to almost not exist, she could almost believe that she had just talked to her grandmother, or touched her wrinkled skin. Then other times the six months seemed to have lasted an eternity.
Okay, Nikki. Here's my attempt at changing sentence #1.
ReplyDeleteThere were times in the past six months when she imagined her grandmother’s presence as if no time had passed at all. Could she really hear her tender voice and touch her wrinkled skin like eternity had paused in that moment right before death? But then other times felt as if time had sped by, lifting her so far away from her grandmother’s presence she could barely remember the tiny creases on her face—the ones that resembled tiny threads lifting her thin lips into a smile, setting off the glint in her eyes.
I want to comment on Nikki's sentence but I also have a formatting a manuscript for submission question if you can email me that would be great. I need to know about indenting for paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the past six months seemed like a wisp of air, her grandmother's presence easily within her reach. Other times it was like a fog that had settled heavily upon her and she could hardly remember herself before the loss let alone her grandmother.
ReplyDeleteOr, if you want to stick more with what you have, just condense it a bit.
Sometimes the past six months felt like a moment in time as if just yesterday she had talked to her grandmother, or touched her wrinkly skin. Then other times the six months extended to eternity.
I feel that all the previous suggests hold such emotion. Mine is more of an expansion than a word swap.
ReplyDeleteThere were moments when the melody of her grandmother's voice still rang in her ears; and time when she felt the caress of the aged hands. Had it really been six monthes? It was nice when she could forget and image Grandma was just around the corner. The rest of the time her loss and separation were all to evident. Each minute passed with great difficulty and pain.
Wow! These are amazing answers. You've all kind of scared me a bit with how good they are! Mine was nothing compared to these. Great post Nikki!
ReplyDeleteAmber--did you get your question answered?
The past six months felt like a blur. Speaking to her grandmother, and touching her wrinkled skin was like a distant memory. At the time though, it had felt like an eternity. Caring for her grandmother around the clock, and making sure she had everything she needed. It was strange how life could change so drastically, making it feel as if certain events never happened.
ReplyDeleteThat is my attempt... I was almost ready to head out the door, so it's not very good!:)
I guess the computer ate my comment!! Thanks everyone!! You are all awesome! I feel bad though that I'm the only one that had a sentence critiqued.
ReplyDeleteAmber-definately have Jenni help you with your ms formatting question!! She is the one to talk to.